Have you ever wondered if what you’re feeling is truly love or just an attachment to the idea of being in love?
I’ve been there, mistaking a deep longing for love for the real thing. It’s an easy trap to fall into, especially in a world where love stories are idealized, making us yearn for our own fairy tales.
This realization isn’t about self-blame, but about self-discovery. It’s a journey from illusion to authenticity. In this article, we’ll explore 8 signs that might indicate your feelings are more about the allure of love than love itself.
1) You idealize the relationship.
The first thing you should ask yourself is how you view your relationship. Can you admit it has things for you to work on, or do you idealize it, wanting to see it as perfect?
A few years ago, I found myself doing just this. I was in a relationship that, in my mind, was the epitome of romance. I would often daydream about our future together, imagining only blissful moments. If we had a disagreement, I’d brush it off as a minor hiccup, not acknowledging the deeper issues at play.
It was as if I were living in a carefully curated movie scene, avoiding anything that didn’t fit the script. This pattern of idealization is a sign that you might be more in love with the idea of being in love than with the relationship itself. It’s important to recognize and accept the totality of your relationship, including its imperfections, to truly understand and experience love.
2) You lack a deep connection.
Thinking back to my own experiences, I remember how I mistook shared interests and long conversations for a deep connection. “We’re so deep together! We’re so in love!”
But a true connection in a relationship goes beyond discussing intellectual topics or sharing similar hobbies. It’s about truly understanding who your partner is at their core—their feelings, thoughts, fears, and dreams.
It’s not just about the highs but also embracing the lows, being present for the difficult conversations, and showing a willingness to meet their needs, even when they differ from your own.
While I could talk with my ex for hours about art or travel, I eventually realized our connection was only surface-level. We seldom delved into understanding each other’s emotional worlds. Tough conversations were avoided, as I feared they would break the idealized image I had of us.
The absence of this depth might indicate that your affection is more for the concept of love than for the person you’re with. Building a deep, meaningful connection requires vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to see and accept each other in their entirety.
3) You compare your relationship
Years ago, I found myself constantly sizing up my relationships with others. Whether it was friends’ love lives or those picture-perfect couples on social media, there was always a nagging voice in my head asking, “Why isn’t my relationship like that?”
This habit of comparison, I later realized, was less about my partner and more about my own need for external validation. When you’re truly in love, the focus is on appreciating your partner for who they are, not how they stack up against others.
But if you’re more attached to the idea of being in love, you might catch yourself showcasing your relationship—almost like a trophy for others to envy. It’s as if the relationship’s value lies in others’ admiration, not in the genuine connection you share.
Constant comparison can reveal an uncomfortable truth: it’s a pursuit of an idealized notion of love, one that looks good on the outside but lacks the depth and authenticity of true emotional connection.
But recognizing this and dropping the need to compare can be a step towards understanding what you truly seek in a relationship.
4) You don’t know or ignore your core values.
In a relationship that’s rooted more in the idea of love than in love itself, there’s often a disconnect from your own core values. You might find yourself making compromises that go against what you truly believe in, just to fit the mold of what you think a perfect relationship should be.
This misalignment can be subtle—perhaps you’re not as honest about your beliefs, or you find yourself going along with things that don’t sit right with you, all in the name of “love.”
I remember a time when I did just that. I had always valued open communication, but I found myself holding back my true feelings to avoid conflicts in my relationship. This avoidance wasn’t about preserving harmony, as I told myself, but about clinging to the idea of a conflict-free, ideal love story.
Source: https://ideapod.com/